How I lost my temper

I had a mini-meltdown the last time we visited the endo with Noah. I've been in and out of varying degrees of pissyness in the couple weeks since. The visit started normally enough. Check in. Weight and height. Hand over the meter. Small talk with the nurse and off to the room.
When the doctor came in, she told us that there was a problem with downloading the information from the meter...great. I have a log book for school, and one for home, and wouldn't you know it- the school book is in Noah's lunch box at home.
So we go into pump history, and scroll through all the BG history. As I'm reading the prior 2 weeks of blood sugars, the tears start welling up in my eyes for no reason. I push it away, and keep scrolling. There are obvious issues during certain times of the day that show up to the doctor as trends once it's all on paper.

Then, the questions start, and I feel like she's grilling me. Her line of questioning was completely normal, but to me, it felt like I was under a microscope being scrutinized to death. I struggled to keep it together.

My frustration reared it's ugly head when she asked me if I had any idea what could be causing Noah's lows before lunch. I quickly shot back, "I don't have a clue- your guess is as good as mine. I mean, really, what worked for us yesterday, doesn't work for us today. Why can't things just work they way the stupid formula says it's supposed to? I'm sick of being wrong all the time"!!!

Not pretty at all. The doctor just stared at me, and offered nothing. She contributed no words of comfort or support ,which I needed to hear so badly at that point. Instead, we just stumbled through the rest of the visit.

In the end, we got some good advice and words of encouragement from the department chief (who was fetched quite quickly after my bout of verbal diarrhea). Turns out, puberty is showing the first signs of life, and Noah's BMI has increased, making his insulin needs different. I don't know why these changes have bothered me so much this time, because in the past, they've always been taken in stride. Maybe I need to let go and chill a little. I can tell you , we won't be seeing that doctor again. Something about her manner makes me feel like I suck at life, and I don't need that every time I go there.

Take care of you.

Playing house was something I did with the other little girls I grew up with, and we played for hours. I was always the "mom". I loved it, and looking back, I think that instinct of caretaker was something woven into the fabric of me from the start.

Being a wife and mother, and being good at it is something that's very important to me. I always worked full time, but when Noah was born, it was so hard for me to leave him with daycare every day. I cried most mornings during my commute, and most nights, I crept in to his dark room to lean over the crib to kiss my already sleeping baby good-night. I missed him terribly. I became a stay at home mom not long after Noah turned two.

I loved being home, and taking care of my family. It was fulfilling to me- just being there, ready to offer comfort, food, a laugh, or company whenever they needed me. To me, being needed meant I was important. I worked on decorating our first house. I crafted, painted, cooked, and threw parties. If Noah's class needed cupcakes for a party, I volunteered. A friend needed a babysitter? Me again. I earned the good- natured nickname "Martha Stewart" from my family, and made good friends in the neighborhood.

The most important thing I did not do? I didn't notice when my identity got right up, and quietly walked out the door.

I thought being a good caretaker meant giving every ounce of myself, or else it would make me look selfish. Therefore, I rarely did anything for me. It got even worse after Noah was diagnosed with T1, because this sense of "nobody can take care of him like me" swept over me like a hurricane. Diabetes naturally became the summit to the mothering mountain I climbed up and down every day.

Unfortunately, trying to be all things to everyone took a physical toll on me. My weight had always been an issue since before I got married, and it fluctuated every time a big life change came knocking. I didn't exercise regularly. I didn't eat anything that would be considered healthy. Pretty, girlie clothes were not something I would choose for myself. I opted instead for baggy, shape concealing sweats. I felt invisible, and rightly so, because that's kind of what I created for myself.

About a year and a half ago, after almost a decade of feeling blue, tired, and generally shitty all the time, I agreed to go with my friend to the gym. It was the first step to making some huge changes in my life. I got stronger, and more confident. I started to care about me for the first time in (I now realize ) my whole life. I learned it's okay to say no to some things. More importantly, I learned to say yes. Yes to new experiences. Yes to life.

Above all, I have learned that to be able to be the very best wife and mom I can be, I've got to be caretaker to myself first. After that, all the good things fall into place.

A holiday. A blackout. Another Holiday. One more holiday.

My last post came just before Thanksgiving. A busy time of year for me and my family. I thought finding time or energy to blog would be rough, but I never intended to be absent for this long. Blogging blahs aside, I'm ready to put fingers to keyboard once again with a brief recap of major events since November 20.

Thanksgiving:
2 vegans and 8 meat-eaters here in my tiny dining room.
2 dogs and 2 cats running amok, too.
Yummy sake brought by brother in law (kanpai!).
Noah's blood sugars at near-perfection all day, despite all the delicious and savory food and sweets.
Guitar Hero until the wee hours...YOU ROCK!!

December 12-18, 2008:

Ice Storm overnight.
Woke up at 2:30 a.m. to the sound of the transformer on the pole across the street exploding.
No power anywhere in practically the whole state of New Hampshire.
My neighbor and I loaded our boys in the car and drove about 20 miles round trip for coffee.
The amount of downed trees and limbs and damage was just unreal.
Pretended to be "pioneer women", cooking on the grill, lighting a fire in the fireplace to stay warm, etc. It was fun...the first day.
By the next day with no power, a cold snap had settled in, and it was unbearable to spend any time in my home.
Luckily my aunt and uncle a few streets over have a generator, and my mother came to help me wrangle all the diabetes supplies, clothes and essentials I needed for us to spend the night over there.
That one night turned into 2.
Did I mention my husband is a Verizon guy? I didn't see him for days, on account of all the repairs they needed him for. Plus, he spent the nights in our house (yes, he's crazy!) because he had heard reports of people looting copper plumbing pipes out of homes that were vacant due to the outages.
On the 5th day without power, my mom who lives across town, got hers back!! We then moved in with her for 2 nights.
I returned to my home every day, so I could make sure our pipes hadn't frozen, or that no one broke in to steal the stockpile of Christmas goodies I had bought up until that point. On one visit, my house was 37 degrees inside.
On the 7th day, I called my neighbor to see how she and her family were hanging in there, and while we were on the phone, the lights came back on, and I hightailed it back home as fast as I could.

Christmas:
Christmas Eve was wonderful. The annual party at my cousin's home was filled with all our tales of survival during the outage, and how grateful we all were to have our power back.
Jinxed.
At about 3 a.m. on Christmas morning the power went out. again.
We made the best of it, and even without the lights of the tree, we did have a cozy fire in the fireplace to enjoy.
My father in law showed up with a portable generator~ Christmas Miracle~!!!
Noah wins the award for the most patient child in the Universe...he got a Wii, and had to wait until the power came back on at 4 p.m. to try it out.

New Year's Eve:
Snow all day.
We hosted my 2 brothers in law, their girlfriends, and a few good friends.
Got Chinese and Japanese food from the place that gives you free sake bombs while you wait.
We donned funny hats and played many raucous rounds of Pictionary Man, with lots of whoopin and hollering.
The girls won! (Marie Antoinette, suckah!)
Noah was allowed to stay up to ring in the New Year with the adults.
The rest of us stayed up way too late, drank and ate waaaay too much, and had a blast saying goodbye to 2008.

So, that's where the past couple months have gone. Thanks to Rebbecca for posting the comment that made me realize how long it's been!