January 29, 2009

How I lost my temper

I had a mini-meltdown the last time we visited the endo with Noah. I've been in and out of varying degrees of pissyness in the couple weeks since. The visit started normally enough. Check in. Weight and height. Hand over the meter. Small talk with the nurse and off to the room.
When the doctor came in, she told us that there was a problem with downloading the information from the meter...great. I have a log book for school, and one for home, and wouldn't you know it- the school book is in Noah's lunch box at home.
So we go into pump history, and scroll through all the BG history. As I'm reading the prior 2 weeks of blood sugars, the tears start welling up in my eyes for no reason. I push it away, and keep scrolling. There are obvious issues during certain times of the day that show up to the doctor as trends once it's all on paper.

Then, the questions start, and I feel like she's grilling me. Her line of questioning was completely normal, but to me, it felt like I was under a microscope being scrutinized to death. I struggled to keep it together.

My frustration reared it's ugly head when she asked me if I had any idea what could be causing Noah's lows before lunch. I quickly shot back, "I don't have a clue- your guess is as good as mine. I mean, really, what worked for us yesterday, doesn't work for us today. Why can't things just work they way the stupid formula says it's supposed to? I'm sick of being wrong all the time"!!!

Not pretty at all. The doctor just stared at me, and offered nothing. She contributed no words of comfort or support ,which I needed to hear so badly at that point. Instead, we just stumbled through the rest of the visit.

In the end, we got some good advice and words of encouragement from the department chief (who was fetched quite quickly after my bout of verbal diarrhea). Turns out, puberty is showing the first signs of life, and Noah's BMI has increased, making his insulin needs different. I don't know why these changes have bothered me so much this time, because in the past, they've always been taken in stride. Maybe I need to let go and chill a little. I can tell you , we won't be seeing that doctor again. Something about her manner makes me feel like I suck at life, and I don't need that every time I go there.


Karen said...

So sorry to hear the endo was son unhelpful. She certainly should have offered you support and let you know it isn't your fault!!

Scott K. Johnson said...

I very much agree with Karen.

Really, in my opinion, your "meltdown" was not out of line at all. Not one bit.

Any of us living with diabetes are going to have many times where we need a shoulder to lean on, and that was quite clearly a time where the doctor should have been that for you.

Major Bedhead said...

That wasn't a meltdown at all and her bedside manner certainly needs some work. Jeez. I'm glad you won't be seeing her again and I hope you express your frustration with the head of the practice.

meanderings said...

Lea, I'm glad you spoke up. It's too bad the endo wasn't listening.

Not Your Type 1 said...

Poor Lea :).

I would have reacted the same way...

Hope it is better next time.

Jennifer said...

Hi there. I just found your blog tonight. I got goosebumps when I read this post. My 9 yr old daughter is diabetic. She was diagnosed at the age of 5. Everytime I take her for her appt. I leave there feeling like the crappiest parent in the world. Even days before the appointment I feel the anxiety building. It is a horible thing to feel that way, but it happens. I have never lost my temper yet, but I have been close. I have left there in tears though. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughters doctors, but sometimes I think they forget we are only human.

Anonymous said...

We need to train doctors to walk in the room and be absolutely present and after greetings of hello and nice to see you etc. the first question should be "How are you doing emotionally with the diabetes?" Because, IMHO, it's only once we can handle the emotional aspects, that we can start to work on the day to day I:C ratios, how exercise, food, STRESS, illness etc. impact bg etc. We also have to learn to PRAISE ourselves for our efforts - so even though what we try doesn't always work the way we want, our efforts should always be acknowledged. We have a daunting task.


Shamae (Ghost written by Loren her hubby) said...

I just found your blog. I hope you don't mind me following it. My daughter Sydney (5) was diagnosed with Type 1 a year ago. I'm trying to branch out and find other parents who I can talk to and learn from. There is something pretty cool about talking to a parent who has been there and really knows what is going on and also who knows all the lingo when you talk A1C and carb counting. Feel free to check out my blog as well.